My heart was heavy as I walked into my first large group of the summer this past Tuesday. We sang songs and heard a message from Chris about our value to God. There were conversations, laughs, inside jokes. I smiled along, prayed for some people, and left.
I was mostly disappointed in the way I was acting and feeling.
Disappointed that I didn’t feel happy in the presence of God and His people.
Disappointed that I didn’t ask for prayer when I knew how much I wanted and needed it.
Disappointed that my spirit wasn’t receptive to His word and His desire to fill me with peace again.
The first thing I did when I got to Davis on Sunday night was plug in the air freshener. I was excited to try out a new scent (Hawaiian Breeze, I believe), and every time I walked into my room, I would feel so comforted by the scent that invited me in. There was peace, knowing that I was away from SF and all that I left behind there. Family disagreements and friendship issues were swept to the back of my mind as I sat at my desk doing work for my summer session classes, delighting in the sweet, warm scent. But now, after being here for about five days, I’ve become so accustomed to the scent that I no longer smell the difference when I walk into my room. I know it’s still there, but I no longer feel that sense of peace and comfort anymore. I walk in, and I feel empty.
It’s strange to me that an air freshener scent can do that for me, which probably shows how much I wanted something to distract me from my troubles, something as insignificant as an air freshener scent. I think it’s easy for me to say that these frustrations with people that I care about shouldn’t matter in this moment, since I’m in school and working and hanging out with people here in Davis. But at the same time, I know these people mean something to me. And that is why I can’t just pretend like my frustrations aren’t affecting me, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. As much as I want to stop thinking about everything, memories slip to the forefront of my consciousness, I remember, I reminisce, and I dislike myself for allowing these memories to resurface.
Last night, I went to bed early. I prayed for God’s peace and clarity, and I lifted all these things up to Him — all my anxiety, frustration, sadness, nostalgia. I refrained from answering phone calls and text messages, and I slept soundly.
I don’t know the point of today’s post. I’m not doing too well emotionally, but in the midst of all this, God has been so patient with me. He knows what He’s doing in my life, and I’m finally letting go of all of this. Funny thing is, I feel content right now, with all this crap going on in my head and not knowing where to go or what to do with all these feels. As I give all of this to God — whatever this is — I can rest assured knowing that He can take it.
Besides, when He takes something from my grasp, something that I’ve held onto so tightly and for so long, He’s merely opening my hands to receive something better.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.