A somewhat messy, disorganized rant

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Calvin: If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.

Hobbes: How so?

Calvin: Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things than what people do all day.

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I literally spent the entire day in my apartment today. Woke up at 10ish, ate, listened to some Jesus jams, read a book or two, took a nap, ate, and read again. It was a nice day outside, but I didn’t feel like going out. I guess I just wanted to take an early Sabbath.

The best part about today was the fact that I didn’t feel stressed. I didn’t have to worry about what to wear for the day because I stayed in my PJs all day. I didn’t have to fret about schoolwork because I still have one more day of the weekend to catch up. I didn’t have to worry about who to hang out with or where to go because I just wanted to be by myself at home. I was at peace by myself.

Then I started thinking. And thinking some more. And I realized that I’m getting really tired of the routine of my days: going to school, going to work, once in a while going to fellowship events, etc. Sometimes I just want to take a road trip, get away from here where I can just be free from people’s expectations of me, where all I can do is just be in the presence of God and admire his creation. There’s so much more to this life than simply going through the motions, which is what I feel like I’m going through right now. Every day feels the same, every interaction a part of a routine that I’m all too familiar with.

I think what really set me off was when one of my friends invited me to hang out yesterday, and I told him I just wanted to stay in and be by myself. And he said something like, “What is this nonsense? You’re no introvert!” I didn’t blame him for that assumption, but I guess I’m just tired of hearing the same things again and again: “You’re not an introvert,” or “Wait, you actually like to read and write?” or “I totally thought you liked this and that instead,” or even “Wow, you’re actually somewhat smart,” etc. It makes me upset not because of what the assumptions are, but the fact that people are making these assumptions about me at all. If people took the time to get to know me on a deeper level, these assumptions would have long been refuted and discarded. It could also be because I’m simply living out the person that people want me to be instead of the person I actually am.

Be still, and know that I am God… (Psalm 46:10)

With this period of alone time comes a lot of reflection and also a resurfacing of a lot of doubts and insecurities that I’ve had for a long time, and as much as God has been working with me and helping me get through them, it still gets tough sometimes. I have a great group of friends and a loving community, but when I really sit down and think about who I can trust and who knows me well, I can name at most 3 people. When I realized that today, it was a bit frightening. Out of all the friends I supposedly have, there’s only about 3 of them who have my back no matter what.

But the Lord replied, “Have you any right to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4)

It’s humbling when I come to these realizations. There’s more to life than just going through the motions. There’s more to life than living to please others and live up to their expectations. There’s more to life when I know that God loves me and sees me for all that I am. As much as I feel unseen or disregarded sometimes, He is always with me, guiding me through life’s journey by the hand. And even more than that, He’s provided my closest friends for me, knowing that I can’t handle sharing too much of myself to too many people. He knows my heart best, so why am I complaining?

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

This post was a little all over the place (bear with me, it’s 1:20 AM), but I think God is just reminding me that He is so much greater than all of this, which has been His overarching message for me this entire year. Everything that I’m going through, all my problems and insecurities, all the little things are incomparable to God who spoke the universe into existence with a few simple words. When I look up at the night sky and into the face of infinity, my problems immediately evaporate. Putting into perspective my place in the universe and God’s presence over the entire universe really puts me in my place. It’s difficult to put aside my insecurities that have taken a hold of me for so many years, but I know that God has been so patient and gentle with me throughout this process. I have to be honest with myself that this hasn’t been easy, but God will use this for good sometime, someday.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. (Hebrews 10:22)

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