I realize that I’m about to turn 20 in a little less than 3 months. It’s crazy how I’m already at the two-decades mark; how did the time pass so fast?? The more I think about getting out of my teen years, the more I think about how I should be married by the time I hit 30. This anxiety that I have about not being able to find a husband really bothers me to the point where it’s just irrational and unreasonable. Why should I be so worried about this stuff now, when I have things like school to worry about?
I went to DCF large group tonight knowing that I had a sociology paper to finish for tomorrow as well as a lab final to study for tomorrow. I always tell myself that no matter how much work I have to do, I will go to large group, because my week feels empty without the worship, the message, and the DCF community. Today, Marc shared a prophetic word (in paraphrase): “I don’t know, I see someone in my mind, I don’t know who this person is, but God knows that you’ve been trying to find a lover, and you’ll find yourself in the desert place soon, but God is running after you, and He’ll win your heart again. You’re looking for a lover, but God will win your heart.”
Chills ran down my back throughout that whole message. Then I felt absolute peace. For so long, I have felt dissatisfied with the guys I’ve been with or the guys I’ve been trying to get with. Ever since the breakup about 2 years ago, I haven’t felt complete. He was such a huge part of my life, and when we ended the relationship, I felt lost. I felt like I just lost a huge part of who I was. I lost my sense of identity and comfort. I turned away from God and looked to other guys, hoping to find someone to be with, hoping to find someone who can make me feel whole again. I went through a list in my mind of all the best candidates for my future husband, whether I knew the guys personally or not, fantasizing about the perfect relationship. Every new guy that I met, I would automatically scrutinize them, picking out their negative qualities and dismissing them as potential boyfriend material, even dismissing them as friends. It killed my mentality: if the guy wasn’t boyfriend material, I didn’t even want to be friends with them. I kept looking around, trying to find the perfect guy, scouting out my potential husband in every crowd. I had such a crazy and messed up mentality, and God, it really took tonight for me to reflect on it and see where I’m wrong. My heart was searching for the wrong thing. I wanted to find a guy to fill my heart, when instead, I should have been filling my heart up with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit, and through that, inevitably, I would feel whole again. I only needed to ask Jesus to fill my heart to feel complete, which reminds me: “A woman’s heart should be so deeply hidden within the Lord that a man should have to seek Him to find her.” I need to immerse myself in the Holy Spirit, to allow God to fill me up, so that I may be complete in Him.
My future husband can wait. In the meantime, let me find God again, and let my heart be filled with love for Jesus. Let me be complete in Him, because I know that God loves me unconditionally, giving me countless blessings that no one else can provide for me. I should be grounded in the truth of God’s love, and in that way, I can focus on loving God and loving myself before loving another.
I’m so thankful for this revelation tonight. It was exactly what I needed to change my mentality and turn my heart towards God’s love rather than the love of men. I know that this will be a struggle, considering how I’ve spent the last 2 years with this mindset, but I have so much faith that God will correct me, His love will prevail, and I will be able to focus on the truth of His love for me. He will be my strength and my stronghold, and I will have no fear. So thankful, so grateful indeed.